Archive: How I became Pro-Life

The phone rings.

I answer.

Me: Hello?

Recorded Voice: Hello, I'm calling to conduct a survey about abortion. If are not interested in taking part in the survey, simply hang up.

Me: [doesn't hang up]

R.V.: If you consider yourself pro-life, anti-abortion, press 2.

Me: [doesn't press 2]

R.V.: If you consider yourself pro-choice, pro-abortion rights, press 9.

Me: [still listening to make sure I have it right]

R.V.: Again, if you are pro-life, press 2 and if you are pro-choice, press 9.

Me: [presses 9]

R.V.: [now much happier] Thank you for being pro-life!

Me: Huh?! [presses 9 again]

R.V.: We at Right to Life of Michigan are excited to have you. Through this survey, we are building a coalition of 5 million households. We have a wonderful opportunity to repeal abortion rights. We have enough votes in both the House and the Senate--

Me: [hits again 9.]

R.V.: We at Right to Life of Michigan are excited to have you. Through this survey, we are building a coalition of 5 million households. We have a wonderful opportunity to repeal abortion rights. We have enough votes in both the House and the Senate--

Me: [decides to hold on so I can speak to a real person and fix up this egregious error]

R.V.: If you would like to make a contribution to help us take away the rights of women,* press 6.

[long pause while I wait for another option.]

R.V.: [silence]

Me: [mashes down 9]

R.V.: Thank you for agreeing to contribute to our cause! You'll be receiving a mailing from us shortly!

Me: What the--? But I didn't--! I PRESSED NINE! NIIIIIIIINE!!

*this may not have been the exact words the recording used. But then again, it may have been.

Archive: Cheese and Brownies

Last night around 11 o'clock, I found myself filling up tiny plates of cheese and brownies because the unappreciative guests at our opening night reception hadn't seen fit to fatten themselves with enough of our spread. Why cheese and brownies, you ask, and not cheese and crackers? I haven't the faintest fucking clue. Who does that? Who says "Hey, you know what'll go great on hunks of Gouda? Brownie wedges!" Apparently, our caterers think like that. "Oh, and hey, throw, like, four strawberries in there too."

Next question: Given the presence of an abundance of delicious cheese and brownies what kind of person, in good conscience, turns down free plates of cheese and brownies? My guess is, it's the kind of person who also drives past a "Free Kittens" sign and doesn't sigh with sadness because they can't take them all home. That or someone who is both diabetic and lactose intolerant. In either case, whatever else may be said about such a person, this is not someone I'd be comfortable voting for. A cheese and brownie hating person could not fairly represent a cheese and brownie loving constituency. I'm sorry Amy Kaechele, I could not in good conscience vote for you now (though I thought your hair looked fetching last night). And you know who else couldn't vote of you if they knew about your cheese and brownie bashing? The state of Wisconsin, that's who. Or fat people. I'm sorry, it had to be said.

If that hurts, well, all I can say is maybe you need to rethink your cheese and brownies platform.

That is all.