An Open Letter to the Asshat Who Stole the Tape

Asshat Who Stole the Tape:

What's the deal, man? That tape may not have looked like much to you, but it was an important part of the workings of this box office and you just freakin' took it! WTF? Do you know how long it took us to find the right thing to prop the door open just enough to make for easy entrance without suggesting to people that it's okay for them to come in? I mean, we tried door stops but those never work. They're more trouble than they're worth. But that roll of electrical tape fit perfectly in front of the door jam and kept the jar open just the right amount. It didn't slip out like a shitty little door stop-- it did it's job. For months the Little Roll of Tape That Could helped to improve the lives of all of us who come and go from the box office. But tonight, while I was selling concessions to your classmates and classmates parents and maybe even your own grandmother, you stole the freakin' tape! C'mon, man, that's just wrong. This petty act of theft makes me irrationally angry! At this point, even if you brought the tape back, I'd probably still call the cops on you. I'm actually considering calling Campus Safety and asking them to search everyone as they leave the theatre. Even if you didn't know the full significance of the tape, you sure as hell knew it wasn't yours. It's not like you saw it there on the floor in front of the door and thought: "Oh, man, that must be where I dropped my roll of electrical tape! After all these years, we are reunited!" No, you freaking saw it on the floor and thought to yourself: "I'm gonna be a huge douche bag and steal a roll of tape that I know doesn't belong to me just so I can upset the good people in the box office who were nice enough to sell me a ticket even though I paid in quarters*! BWAH-Hah-hahahahahaha! Mine is an evil laugh!!"

You bastard. Seriously. What are you going to do with that tape? Tape something? Make a shiny black wallet for your emo girlfriend?

Y'know what? I don't really care because whatever you're doing with it, it's not as important as the job it was doing here. Even if you're doing something awesome with it like repairing a space shuttle or curing cancer, it still doesn't justify what you did. There's other tape out there, man, but we need this one. You sonovabitch.

And the part that really burns me (other than the fact that we have to find something else to prop the door open and until we do I'll have to keep getting out my key every time I want to open the door) is that before this happened I was in the middle of writing another blog. I haven't blogged in like a month and you came and pissed me off so much that I couldn't even finish the one I had started. I don't want to waste my precious blogging time on haranguing you but you know what? Now I have to. Fuck you. Asshat.

You have brought shame upon the Catholic Secondary Schools of Grand Rapids because of this foul deed. I don't think I can trust any Catholics anymore, thanks to you. Don't you have a god or something that's supposed to stop you from doing douche-y things like this? I mean, isn't The Virgin Mary looking down on you with shame in her immaculately conceived heart? And you know what else? That tape you stole equals one more thorn that pushed it's way into Jesus' soft flesh and sent hot sacrificial blood into his holy eyes, stinging them badly as he hung on the cross lo those many years ago. If you listen real hard, I bet you can hear him crying because of it. I'm not going to judge, because it's not like the Jesus and I are all that tight, but I think we can all agree that the safe bet is that he'll damn you for all eternity for taking that tape. At least he would if there were any justice. Which, apparently, there isn't because if there were justice the tape would still be holding the door open rather than being put to whatever nefarious task you're planning on using it for! I hope you enjoy your tape more than you would have enjoyed eternal bliss. Fucker.

Goddamn it. This totally ruined my night. And I know by saying that, I've made the deed all the sweeter for you, but I can't help it. It's gonna take a while for me to get over this, if I ever do. Man, you're just such an asshat! You probably brought candy into the theatre, too and you're gonna drop your Junior Mints on the carpet and then step on them. Bastard.

I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone.

Sincerely,

~Dave




*I have no reason to believe that the thief and the person with quarters are one and the same-- except, of course, the obvious fact that both acts could only be perpetrated by a complete douche.