Mistaken Identity

"I saw someone who looks just like you!"

Apparently, I'm the least original looking person on the planet. About once a week, someone will tell me that they saw someone who looks just like me somewhere (you'd think with that kind of universality I'd be able to get more modeling jobs . . . ).

For instance, there was the guy who used to frequent the gay bar who wore a monocle, a cape and carried a walking stick and looked just like me according to several of my friends.

Then there was the guy that Catie spotted walking down the street in Easttown, who, even though he looked just like me she knew he wasn't me because he did not walk with my elegance. Seriously. That's what she told me. If that particular doppelganger lacks my level of grace it's hard to believe he's even able to stand upright.

And there was the high school senior, according to Amy, who looked just like me that was recently crowned Homecoming King. Clearly, much like my own spot on Grand Rapids Christian High's homecoming court lo those many years ago, if this poor bastard does look just like me, his coronation was the end result of a cruel prank perpetrated upon him by a large portion of the all-hating student body*.

Most disturbingly is my double in Ohio whom Rose spotted shushing a child while sitting in a Catholic mass.

With my likeness being so horribly abused, do you suppose I could sue for defamation of character?

"You remind me of . . . "

Maybe this is something that happens to everyone (I don't know, I've only ever been the one person) but it seems like people are always telling me what celebrities they think I look like.

Just this last Wednesday at the bar I was told by one person that I look like Will Ferrell and by another that I look like "James Dean . . . if he were, like, a dad." Huh? Oh, and as a bonus, one guy told me I sound like Nicholas Cage.

Some other great comparisons that I've heard are Errol Flynn (because we both had goatees at one time!) and Ryan Reynolds, one of the titular guys from TV's Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. And while I both appreciate the artistic and cultural significance of Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place and agree that, in fact, Ryan Reynolds is an attractive fella, one must acknowledge that only one suffering from Magoo like myopia could ever compare me to this.

Oh, and have you noticed how none of the people I'm compared to look anything like each other? Apparently, I'm like Martin Sheen who looks exactly like Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez even though the two of them look nothing alike.

What is your hair?

With increasing frequency, people have been referring to me as a redhead lately. Don't get me wrong, I love redheads and I take no offense at being called a redhead except that I DON'T HAVE RED HAIR! I even kind of wish I did, but I don't! So why in hell do people call me a redhead? Even other redheads have included me when referring to "us redheads." Really, I'm flattered but you're bringing down the redhead movement by trying to induct me. I can only hurt the cause.

Also in hair related news, an older gentleman at the bar the other night told me that I had gorgeous hair. I know that doesn't really fit with the whole mistaken identity theme I'm working with, but frankly, I was flattered and I wanted to share it with you anyway.




*Of course, there's always the possibility that, in fact, he was voted into the office of king (which, for the first time I'm realizing is exceptionally ironic) because he's a good person and people like him because of his work ethic and sparkling personality. Then again, we are talking about a high school so the cruel prank theory holds more water.